Diva's Ugly Writing

  There's a girl who always gets lost. She doesn't know what to do Almost everyday Sometimes she pretends to be brave. And seems to know exactly what she wants But at other times, she feels like trash. Can't do anything except breathing That stressed her out. Her compass is broken She fixed it herself. It helps her believe and pursue her dreams once again. But the compass is fragile. It's broken again She got tired and wanted to give up. But she finds a boy who is said, "The sky is so pretty. Thank you for being able to live under it with me." She was surprised to know that she had thrown the compass away. She doesn't need it anymore. She has nothing to worry about. As long as this boy exists

I started to listen to Coldplay because of him I started to work out because of him I started to love myself because of him I started to respect a little thing to bake a brownie to learn a new language to write a poem Everything because of him So, what is it called? An obsession? A motivation? Or love?

  Hari ini Selasa. Vera ke sekolah seperti biasanya. Duduk di bangku paling belakang dan sendirian sudah menjadi kebiasaannya pula. Sebenarnya, ada beberapa teman di kelasnya yang ingin berteman dengan Vera, tapi gadis itu selalu bersikap tidak baik dan membuat teman-temannya takut. Perlu diketahui bahwa kehidupan Vera tidaklah mudah. Dia dicap sebagai anak pembawa sial oleh lingkungan sekitarnya. Ibunya meninggal sesaat setelah melahirkannya. Ayahnya meninggal karena serangan jantung. Seluruh saudara nya yang tersisa dibantai di rumah ketika V era berkemah di sekolahnya. Vera tidak punya siapa-siapa sekarang. Dan memutuskan untuk tidak mau punya teman karena takut temannya akan mengalami hal serupa seperti orang-orang terdekatnya. Vera sedang menggambar di halaman paling belakang buku tulisnya ketika ibu wali kelas masuk kelas dengan seorang murid yang belum pernah di temuinya di sekolah tua ini. Dia adalah murid baru, namanya Wafa. Pindahan dari ibukota. Vera tidak peduli d...

     “Kak, mau kopi?” tanya seseorang disampingku sambil menyikut lenganku, memecahkan lamunan.      Aku menoleh sebelum menjawab, “Boleh.”      Dia tersenyum iseng sebelum tawanya keluar. “Bikin sendiri, dong!” lalu buru-buru berlari menjauhiku yang masih duduk merapatkan jaket di tempat semula. Aku hanya tersenyum, menatapnya geli.      Malam ini ditemani api unggun, kami sedang mengadakan pendidikan dasar yang rutin diadakan setiap akhir tahun oleh salah satu ekstrakurikuler sekolah yang aku ikuti. Karena aku adalah murid kelas tiga, peranku disini adalah mendampingi calon adik-adikku dan mengawasi mereka. Dan, anak laki-laki menyebalkan yang tadi juga adalah adikku yang tahun lalu kuawasi. Tahun ini, dia disini menemaniku.      Aku hanya melamun menatap api unggun sambil sesekali menahan dingin yang menusuk tulang ketika kami sedang melakukan evaluasi malam untuk kegiatan yang akan dilakukan besok pag...

  hahaha setelah sekian lama, aku baru kepikiran mau nulis tentang stray kids di sini. di blog-ku. di media yang bisa dibaca semua orang yang nyasar. Sejarahnya aku bisa mendadak suka stray kids itu aneh banget. Temenku banyak yang suka Kpop. Udah lama. Banyak yang suka Nct, Bts, Treasure, Txt, Ateez, atau yang lain-lain. Aku enggak tertarik. Sama sekali. Tapi bukan berarti aku jadi haters. Enggak. Aku cuma nggak minat aja, tapi aku tetep menghargai kesukaan orang lain kok. Waktu aku aku lebih suka nonton anime dan nolep :/ Yah begitulah manusia bisa switch tiba-tiba, super mendadak. Aneh. Temenku (namanya Chia) yang suka anime juga tiba-tiba suka Kpop. Dia suka Hyunjin dari Stray Kids. Terus aku kayak "hah emang ada gitu kpop grup namanya Stray Kids? aneh banget kayak ga asing tapi kayak baru denger." Lalu aku sedih, karena dipikirnya kalo dia suka Kpop gaakan ngomongin anime lagi sama aku. WKWKWK. Lalu ya aku sedih bneran. Terus emang dasarnya temenku Chia ini oversharing (...

  Kalau Tiyak udah ngajak ke pantai mendadak H-1 jam berarti biasanya ada yang lagi pengen diceritakan. Atau ya pengen aja. Healing hemat deket rumah paling cuma bayar masuk kawasan pantai, sama parkir, dan jajan. Aku ngide bawa buku, sekalian balikin bukunya Tiyak yang dulu kupinjem. Mau bawa tiker jg tapi males banget bawaannya jadi banyak. Tapi kita malah tersesat lol. Terus ke pantai yang lain, lalu bisa milih mau dimana, terus cari yang nggak banyak orang, biar kalo mau main air tuh ga malu wkwkwk. Abis itu kita makan jajan, terus baca buku (sebentar doang) terus main air, terus cerita sedikit. Lalu ngelamun, heboh waktu senjanya bagus. Makin repot karena pengen foto-foto senja cantik dan awan pink tapi hapenya nggak mendukung. Terus kita berpikir klo ngecamp di pantai sepertinya seru juga. Tapi ya serem sih nnti kalo airnya makin deket kan. Seumur hidup kayaknya aku ngecamp di pantai baru satu kali. Itu pun udah lama banget. Aku pengen camp nih jadinya. Camp sehari semalam aj...

 Selamat tahun baru 2023! (telat tapi yaudah) Ada yang bilang tahun 2022 berjalan cepet banget sampe nggak kerasa. Ada lagi yang bilang kerasa banget saking beratnya. bagiku sendiri biasa aja sih, berjalan dengan baik dan menyenangkan walaupun banyak pressure tapi karena udah sampai sini jadi udah lewat, nggak usah dipikirin. Aku mulai berani nulis di sini tahun 2022, jadi kupikir aku mulai nggak peduli sama pemikiran orang lain di tahun ini dan itu baik. Kadang masih suka overthinking sih tapi nggak lama. Lagian kan nggak ada juga yang peduliin banget eksistensi setiap manusia. Sebenernya pengen juga nulis di medium atau media lain tapi aku masih belum berani :( kapan ya aku berani? Nanti deh, jangan semuanya harus selesai sekarang. Seperti yang sudah kubilang sebelumnya, tahun 2022 menyenangkan. Aku banyak belajar. Aku belajar buat jadi sedikit lebih berani. Orang-orang mungkin nggak lihat, tapi aku rasain itu. Aku juga belajar untuk nggak perlu memikirkan sesuatu secara berlebih...

 I hate to admit that I tried looking everywhere for you. I hate to admit that my eyes want to always see you within my reach. I hate to admit that I've always wanted to find ways to communicate with you. You are not mine. You never even once belonged to me. This is astray. I'm on the wrong track. I know I shouldn't be like this. I'm just hurting myself again. But please, could you just show up one last time, at the end of the year?

  20 years old and haven't arrived at the destination yet And what's wrong with that? Every creature has its own path, didn't they? So what's wrong with that? It's fine to be a little late I promise it'll be okay You're not late, by the way.

  Cuaca hari ini sangat cerah. Langit yang cerah selalu membuatku merasa hangat. Aku sedang dalam perjalanan pulang ketika aku tidak sengaja melihat kurir. Ketika melihat pengantar surat, aku jadi ingat salah satu kalimat dari film favoritku. Karakternya bilang, pengantar surat adalah pekerjaan paling menyenangkan sedunia karena mereka mengantarkan kebahagiaan. Aku setuju. Omong-omong tentang surat, aku jadi teringat sesuatu yang terjadi beberapa tahun yang lalu. Waktu itu aku masih duduk di bangku SMA. Emosiku masih sangat labil dan mudah marah. Seingatku, dulu aku bertengkar dengan adikku sampai kepalaku terbentur dan pingsan, tapi orang tuaku tidak menyalahkan adikku. Jadi aku marah dan kecewa. Tapi aku tidak tahu harus bercerita pada siapa, jadi kutulis semua perasaanku pada selembar kertas. Keesokan harinya, aku melemparkan surat dalam amplop ke kotak surat depan sekolah. Tidak ada nama pengirim dan penerima. Mungkin Pak Pos hanya akan membuangnya. Namun, yang terjadi seminggu...

   I want to ride a bike with you at night. I want to bake a cookie and a brownie and make a mess. I want to eat chicken breast or spicy tuna or everything that you want to eat today It hurts to realize that you'll never be mine So I don't want to think about it. I feel lucky enough to live on the same earth as you As the same lifetime as you In the same world as you So that I have a chance to meet you someday So that I have a dream to fulfill So that I have a reason to fight You give me strength to not give up easily Cause I know that you exist I just want you to be happy I just want you to eat well I just want you to take care of your health. Let's meet in the future like you promised me yesterday.

  I don't care if the flaws are still there, I just want to heal. Is that too much to ask for? I try not to be hurt when someone sees my scars and pretend that they didn't see anything. It hurt to think that they tried to take care of my feelings. But I'm glad they know exactly if I don't want to talk about it. Scars are so ugly Scars are so hurting It's still there, how much I try to heal  It's still there, how much I try to hide. How should some people deal with it but the others don't?

  The painting was just silent, but it felt like it was talking to me. I don't know what I'm doing by entering this room. There is only one painting, and no one is here. Should I go back? But wait, I still want to admire the beauty of this lonely painting. It was a crowd atmosphere, like a party. Lots of people dancing with their partners, also round tables filled with food and soft drinks. In the corners of the room there are several musicians, I do not know the exact name. I wish I could touch that painting. Maybe that's okay? There's nobody here. So, I stepped forward, holding out my hand. However, before my hands actually touched the surface of the canvas, something made me turn. I accidentally stepped on a ... masquerade mask? I picked it up, feeling it on my hand. This purple colored mask is very pretty, it has feathers and glitter around the surface. Out of curiosity, I tried to put it on. Feels really good on my face. But, suddenly, I was in a noisy room, full o...

 I don't know what's wrong with me. That day was like a nightmare. I know, the words that came out of my mouth were too much. Not just a little. That's really outrageous. I hurt him. I also hurt myself.  I don't know what got into me to make me say such evil words. I trembled, half in disbelief when I saw his tears and so was I. No, please not. This is wrong. This is my fault. I really want to slap myself. And as I expected, he wanted to leave. He wanted to leave me. I begged him to stay.  He ignores my apologies. I'm scared. I begged even harder not to let him do it. I am willing to do anything to keep him from leaving. And he said, "I'm trying." Then there was only the sound of me sobbing. "I'm tired," he said again. My cries are getting louder. I no longer care what other people think. "Me, too," I say. "Can we give up now?"

  Today is a hectic day for me. And I feel a little bit sick. I forgot to eat. It's raining now when I write this letter. The weather is cold. I hope you don't skip your meals. I hope you're doing fine, and didn't feel so tired. I hope the world is kind to you this day, and tomorrow, and the day after tomorrow, and this week, this month, this year, and so on. Please don't eat late, don't play in the rain, don't forget to wear a jacket. And don't get sick. I know you'll always doing fine. A little message you sent in the last minute make this paragraph completely enough.

 It was a dark and stormy night. I'm on my way home on the train. Today didn't go so well. Everything I do seems useless and everyone hates me. And knowing your new girl is not better than me makes me want to sink. If you can't find someone prettier, can you at least find someone smarter? By the way, this train is moving too slow. I feel dizzy, and the Chase Atlantic song playing in my earphones doesn't make me any better. Your song's recommendations are now my nightmare. You know I like to write long letters, and I know better, you never read them at all. But can you pick me up? I need a hug.